|
This story was first published in the Codey's World
"Back to School" Anthology
I avoided the front steps of Bordner Building -
that's where Matt and I usually hang out during free time - just
like I avoided all "our" usual places. It helped that lunch was the
only period we have in common. I had not let my eyes scan the
cafeteria. No, I couldn't see him right now. I walked straight
ahead, bought myself a sandwich and a can of Coke, then got the hell
out of there before I ran into him. I walked around the school
grounds, looking for a spot to eat, and settled myself under a tree
near the flag pole, the front steps of Bordner Building in the
distance filling my line of sight.
Thousands of memories assaulted me - Matt and I clowning around, me
waiting for him after school hours, him waiting for me, the projects
I had procrastinated on and we had completed in a rush right there
on the steps, all the daydreaming we had done there, the excuses we
had plotted for my parents when I got a black eye from fighting in
the school garden. They almost put tears in my eyes. I knew I
should've asked my parents to have me transferred, but it's my last
year in highschool. I hoped this wouldn't be how I would spend
everyday of this year. Then, there's that last memory that I have of
him, that last day of our junior year, the one that had made me
avoid him the whole summer and today, the first day of our senior
year.
We always took the bus together; we never rode with anyone else, and
that day was no different. I found him sitting on the steps, staring
off in the distance. I was tired from running around after teachers,
submitting late projects, and having my school clearance form signed
by teachers who seemed to delight in dodging every student who sees
them. I wasn't a dumb student but a lazy one. Matt was the opposite.
He wasn't dumb; he's just not lazy. All his preaching never did
anything for me, but he never seemed to tire from doing so. He's
even sympathetic when I ran after teachers during the last weeks of
school. Sometimes I hear him commenting on my laziness, which I, of
course, never denied.
He didn't notice me even when I was already right behind him. I was
sure I made enough noise approaching him. It was more than an hour
after school hours, and I was really sorry to have kept him this
late on the last day. I dropped my backpack behind him, but he
didn't seem to hear it. I sat down next to him and wiped my face on
his uniform to get his attention. Then, I laid my head on his
shoulder, waiting for him to push me away like he always did. He
didn't do that. Instead, he put an arm around my shoulders.
I remember closing my eyes. It had felt so good; I had never felt
anything like that before. The heat I felt coming from his arm
seemed to reach my heart, and I felt something growing in there and
spreading to the rest of my body like wild fire. Whatever it was, it
had made me sit closer to Matt. It had made me want to be close to
him for the rest of my life. I remember inhaling as long as I can,
filling my lungs with the scent of him. It felt like I could never
get enough of him, but I would sure try to. We sat like that for a
few minutes. I remember wishing that I could spend my life like that
forever. I remember having the urge to wrap my arms around him.
And then I remembered that I shouldn't feel like that. I shouldn't
want to be that way with another guy like me. I'd be scorned,
laughed at, and humiliated. My parents had always made comments
about them, guys who like other guys, and none of them had ever been
good. I had made comments like those myself. The way they act, dress
up, and talk like they're girls, I didn't want to be like that. My
parents had said that the first step to becoming like that was
having feelings for another guy. Next, I'll be wanting to dress up
like a girl just so the guy would like me. The thought was
sickening. I was sure Matt wouldn't want to be friends with me if I
became like that and much more so if he knew how I was starting to
feel towards him.
I sat upright as normally as I could without jerking my head off of
Matt's shoulder although I was really close to it. An ounce of what
little self control I had left helped. I couldn't even look at him.
I stood up, letting Matt's arm on my shoulders fall. I felt bereft
in an instant, like someone had stolen my life force. I looked at
his hair, his shoulders, his hands, his feet, anywhere but his eyes.
I was looking at the ground when I told him that we should probably
go home already. He agreed, speaking to me like nothing had
happened.
Walking to the bus stop, he was his usual chatty self. He never
commented on my lack of response, but I knew he would soon. I
remember putting an inch or two between us. In a second, though, we
would be bumping shoulders again as we always had. He didn't even
notice that I was trying to stay away from him. He acted like
nothing had happened, and maybe nothing really did happen for him
while sensations I had never known before ran through my body, all
because he had put his arm on my shoulders. I felt violated by those
sensations. I didn't want to feel them, but I liked how they made me
feel. I liked how my shoulders seemed to seek Matt's shoulder
whenever they'd lose touch while we walked. I should put a stop to
this.
Sometime during the bus ride back home, I fell asleep. When I woke
up, my head was on Matt's shoulder, and his head was on mine. I
quickly sat up straight, waking him up and feeling my heart pound in
my chest. I fixed my stare outside the windows where lamp posts went
by, uncaring. I bit my tongue hard, trying to dissipate the
magnetism my head felt towards Matt's shoulder, but it was to no
avail. I saw my whole life destroying itself when Matt laid his head
on my shoulder. I didn't know why I felt so wrong liking Matt this
way. Would I feel wrong if I suddenly felt this way for a lamp post?
Crazy, probably. I had decided that I would never see Matt again,
but I would indulge myself in him one last time. I laid my head on
his and fell asleep. Matt woke me when his stop was coming up. We
high-fived, bumped fists, and said our see-ya's, me feeling my gut
tighten the whole time. We waved at each other as the bus gradually
sped forward. I craned my neck to look at Matt for the last time and
felt hot tears sliding down my cheek one by one.
Summer vacation was miserable from the first day that it had
started. Matt called, IM'd, emailed, and sent text messages to me,
but I was determined to forget everything about him. I didn't answer
or return his calls, as well as the IM's, text messages, and emails
he had sent me. I stayed out of the house the whole time and spent
my time at the mall alone, hoping to dodge him if he ever decides to
see me at home. It was a miracle I hadn't run into him at the mall.
I did everything I could, but I still couldn't forget the way he had
put his arms on my shoulders that day. It was on my mind every idle
second of the day.
Three weeks into my misery, I stopped receiving emails from him. I
thought he had given up already. I was miserable even more after
that. But after two weeks, Matt sent me an email. His family had
gone to Camiguin for a vacation. He had asked me before school ended
if I wanted to go with them, and I remembered saying yes. There were
photos attached to the email, and I suddenly asked myself why I was
even opening his emails. I should've sent them to the trash can
right away from the start. But I read on. It sounded like they had
fun right until the very last line. P.S. I didn't have fun at
all, Carl. I wish you were there. Everything sucks without you.
I didn't know what happened. I just suddenly burst into tears. I
cried myself to sleep that night.
I sat in front of the computer every night after that, debating with
myself whether I should reply to his emails or not. If I hadn't
opened his emails from the start, I wouldn't be in this position in
the first place. But he just had this pull on me. It was like
everything in me suddenly sought everything about him. Had I felt
like this last year? Why had an arm over my shoulders changed
everything? I was perfectly contented with us being friends before,
but now, I was craving for the air around him like no other. I ached
to be close to him. But I didn't want that. I wanted to be a normal
buddy to him, not those limp-wristed guys who hang all over other
guys. I was certain I was going to turn into something like that if
I give in to these feelings. The "no" vote won every night until I
had no chance to email him back anymore.
Senior year came much too fast, too soon, two months of summer
vacation all gone and wasted.
I woke up this morning with a different feeling. It was
strange, like an out-of-body experience. It was like waking up in a
dream, a weird one, like walking upside-down on the ceiling instead
of the floor. I felt like an automaton. Take a bath, wear my
uniform, eat a little breakfast, ride the bus to school. I hoped
Matt wouldn't ride the same bus I was on, but, for some reason, I
felt like it didn't matter. I don't know. Everything's just
confusing as hell, and I just felt detached from the real world
today. I wasn't even on drugs.
Ding dong. I recognized my phone's message alert tone as I
was about to hop off the bus. Stepping inside the school gate, I
read Matt's text message. See you in school! Philippine
schools weren't like schools abroad where each student had their own
schedule. Each student belonged to a section of thirty students or
less, and each section had a schedule that all the students that
belonged to it follow. I didn't like this before, but now I found it
useful. I knew which section Matt belonged to, so I went and checked
its schedule out. We wouldn't be near each other, but I still would
be careful in the halls. He would probably check my schedule out
too. Then, there's also lunch. He was in the same lunch period as I
was, and the school had only one cafeteria.
I didn't run into him in the halls, nor had I seen him at lunch. I
guess I should be proud of my dodging abilities, but here I was,
under the shade, recalling the past months and asking myself if it
had been worth it. It would be. After I lose these feelings,
it would be worth it. I may lose Matt, but I could gain another. I
just hope there wouldn't be any repeat of this. I should try dating
girls again. My last girlfriend just hurt me so much that I stopped
dating for a while. But I would start again. Maybe I could still
cure this.
Half of my sandwich was already gone when I saw Matt walking out of
Bordner Building. He stood on the top step for while, his shoulders
hunched down. I could guess what he was feeling; I was feeling it
myself. When he sat down, he covered his face with his hands, and
his shoulders started to shake. My vision immediately began to blur.
I had never seen Matt cry before, not even when his grandma died.
Never. But I had made him cry, and it hurt. It felt terrible. I
couldn't take it anymore, so I turned my back to him.
I spent the time until the last school bell rang staring at nothing
and reliving that moment at lunch. A few tears leaked out of my
eyes, and I wiped it, not caring anymore of what others think. Why
did I have to see him like that? Why did he have to cry when I was
there? Why did he have to do that just when I already have
strengthened my resolve? I walked to the gate with these thoughts
echoing inside my head. I was so consumed with my misery that I
didn't notice Matt until he had seized my wrist, making me jump
involuntarily.
There was fire in his eyes, almost like anger. He squeezed my wrist
hard with a shaking hand. I had to close my eyes just from the
feeling of warmth that flowed through my body just from being near
to him. I had to close my eyes as the feeling that I was trying to
banish from my body took hold of me again. I thought of yanking my
arm. I thought of running away fast. But I remembered that this was
Matt. This was Matt, my best friend. This was Matt; I shouldn't be
scared of him. This was Matt, and I had... hurt him. I opened my
eyes again and looked into his eyes for a second before lowering
them, silently submitting myself to him for now.
He led me through the gates, his grip on my wrist less tighter now.
That feeling I had this morning came back, like I was in another
world again, watching myself. Matt pulled me through the crowd of
students that I haven't been paying attention to since this morning,
and we walked to the bus stop with him still holding my wrist. I
wished I were as comfortable of my sexuality as he was. I couldn't
even bring myself to look at him. Everytime I thought of looking at
him, I remembered the way he cried during lunch, and it made me feel
so ashamed of myself. I felt more shame with that on my mind than at
the way people looked at us as we passed by them. The bus driver
raised his eyebrow at us, but I didn't care. I just felt so out of
it, almost totally uncaring. I just wanted to get this done and over
with.
We sat on our usual seats, me next to the window and Matt on the
aisle seat. I kept my stare outside the window, feeling Matt's grip
on my wrist tighten.
"What did I do to you?" I squeezed my eyes shut for a second at the
anguish that I heard in his voice.
"It's not you, Matt. It's me," I told him, still facing the window,
my voice nothing but a whisper.
"Dammit, Carl! Look at me!" I turned to face him, his anger, his
sadness. "What did I do to you?"
"It's me, Matt. It's me. You did nothing. I just..."
What exactly do I tell him? How do I tell him that I wanted to put
my head on his shoulders? How do I tell him that I wanted to hold
his hands forever? How do I tell him that I wanted to feel his arms
around me... and his lips on mine? How do I tell him that those were
the things that kept me away from him? I had to stay away from him
or those feelings would plague me for the rest of my life. Yet,
being near to him this way made me feel like there was nothing more
right in the world.
Thinking of these things, I had suddenly found my solution. If I
told Matt about them, I wouldn't have to worry about staying away
from him anymore. He himself would stay away from me. And when I
finally cure myself of these feelings, maybe we could even be
friends again. I would definitely miss his friendship. I had missed
it last summer.
I turned to face the window again. I was scared, but I drew comfort
from the hand gripping my wrist. "I'm scared, Matt. I'm scared to be
like them. I don't want to be like them. But I can't control it. I
keep feeling these things everytime I'm around you. I don't want to
feel that way, but I do. And I'm scared it would turn me into
something like them. My parents, you, everyone would stay away from
me if that happens. It scares me."
"What are you talking about?"
"I don't want to be queer," I said, only loud enough for Matt to
hear. "I don't want to have a limp wrist. I don't want to wear
girls' clothes. I don't want to be like Ryan." The school queen
struck a pose inside my head, and I shuddered just from thinking of
becoming like that.
"You're not going to become like that, Carl. Not unless you already
were from the day you were born."
"Will you help me, Matt?"
"I promise."
"Then please stay away from me."
Matt's hand on my wrist jerked, like he suddenly got electrocuted,
but he didn't let go.
"Stay away... from you?" he said, his voice breaking when he said
the last word.
"I feel... these things when I'm with you."
"You feel like you want to become a girl when you're around me?" he
asked, his voice so soft I almost didn't hear him.
I shook my head. "Not yet. But I know I'd be like that soon. My
parents said so. They said... they said guys like those start off
from liking other guys first." I knew I got my message across now.
I liked him much more than the word "like" would allow. I was
glad he hadn't made me turn to face him. I felt so ashamed of what I
said. At least, he would leave me alone now.
"Your parents sure did a number on you," he muttered. Why wouldn't
he leave already? What was taking him so long? "Look at me, Carl.
Please?" He squeezed my wrist once, and I turned to face him but
couldn't meet his eyes. "Do I act like a girl? Do I have a limp
wrist? Do I swish my hips when I walk? Do I talk funny? Do I act
like Ryan?"
I shook my head no, still unable to look him in the eyes.
"If what your parents said are true, then I should've been doing all
those things a long time ago. Everytime you're around me, I feel so
alive, so big, like nothing could ever take me down. I know what I
am feeling, Carl. I've fallen for you, and I had hoped that you
would fall for me too. I've felt this way for a long time. Have you
ever seen me doing all those things your parents said?"
"No."
I felt the back of his fingers brush my cheek. It seared me to the
bones. It made my blood speed through my veins and arteries.
"I don't care whatever you might become, Carl. Just let me stay in
your life."
I gazed into his eyes, overwhelmed. I felt the feelings that I had
been fighting with flare up inside me, refueled. I put my hand over
his, and he leaned in, still looking in my eyes, the longing in them
too great for me to resist. I closed my eyes as I felt his lips
touch my own, and for a few seconds, I stopped breathing and my
heart paused from its work. Some things are just more important. And
when the kiss ended, fire reigned inside of me. I wanted it to burn
all my doubts away.
I leaned back into my seat and faced the window again, but
everything was different now. I didn't know what it was. Something
inside me had stirred, and now I was willing to defy everything I
knew to be right just to be with Matt.
He put a hand on my neck and pulled my head down to his shoulders,
and I sighed from the now familiar feelings that I get just from
being this way with him. His arms around my shoulders and his head
on mine took me to another world.
"Do you still think it's wrong, Carl?"
I tried to get even closer to him.
"My head tells me it's wrong. But here," I said, putting my hand
over my chest, "Nothing feels more right in the world than being
this way with you."
You
Like what you've just read?
Then click on the button above and tell me.
Back to My Story
Page
The Authors
Haunt Author Directory
The Authors
Haunt Library
The Authors Haunt Home
|
